In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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