he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
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Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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