Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
