I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
