Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
