The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
