I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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