Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
