Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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