They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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