I heard we made out
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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