You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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