I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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