You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
