Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
