there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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