Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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