You're so nebulous sometimes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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