Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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