Moan for me like Helen Keller
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
