Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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