If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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