I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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