You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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