My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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