I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
