dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
