Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
