is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
