I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
