Need sex. Gaining weight.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
