Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
