I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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