Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
