All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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