Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
