did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
