Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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