Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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