im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
