I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Did I show you my penis last night?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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