Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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