My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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