I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
