I think im going to throw up on grandma
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
