I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
