Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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