Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
