i just wanna soil my oats bro
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Everclear isn't food dammit
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
