The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
