finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
