oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
