Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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