his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
