Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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